I hate Walmarts, but I like the mini Walmarts. They’re just a little shitty.

Kylie Jenner was on the cover of Forbes magazine for being worth $800 million. They called her a self-made woman, which I find that hard to believe. But then I forget, her father Kaitlyn is one too.

When a woman wears athleisure she looks really hot
When A guy wears workout clothes, He looks like a leotard.

Someone told me the cure for my allergies was to go out and eat some local honey. It worked, but she gave me gonorrhea.

Open office floor plans are like being trapped in a parked car while someone chews gum with their mouth open.

Would you call gay polygamists Mormans?

I was at this year’s Women’s March, and I haven’t seen white girls this woke since they discovered Avocado Toast.

Slow cookers are a great way to get that left in the car all day taste.

Who’s idea was it to put a 60 pound roll of toilet paper in public restrooms? You get like 1 square at a time.

AARP just came out with it’s list of hot dead celebrities. It’s called 60 under 6′.

I love how people were shocked to find out movie theater popcorn was so fattening even though its serving size is measured in tubs.

I’d love to see what the Bible would be like if they had Wikipedia back then.

I appreciate the automated toilet liners at the airport, but the real problem is the seat is still warm.