Whoa Weed

Posted Posted in Uncategorized

In the past year I have yet to see a show where at least one comic doesn’t say, “So, I uh, like weed”. They literally say that. Note, I didn’t say, people make a lot of pot jokes. People literally utter that phrase at least once at every show I’ve been to.

I do not, I repeat, do not have a problem with people getting high. I just hate the way people have made it really, really uncool. Now that it’s relatively legal to smoke dope, there’s no real risk in talking about it. Besides didn’t we already cover this ground to death in the 70s with Cheech & Chongs? Like them and their act, it is kind of old and tired.

Dope and raunchy sex jokes baffle me. I can’t help but think, just how repressed some people must have been brought up to still think this stuff is shocking. I’m not young, but I heard way worse stuff when I was 12.

Dope jokes are like dick jokes. They can be funny, but only if there’s a new twist. When you tell a bad one, you do make the audience uncomfortable. It’s not because they’re prude. It’s because they pity the comic.

The way people talk about dope these days is like listening to 16 year olds just discovering alcohol. Dude, I can’t remember anything last night. I was so waaaaaasted. Dude. We used to have a saying that, “drinkers weren’t counters.” I think we need something for the dubage.

Show Report # 3

Posted Posted in Shows

I did another new comic showcase. This time it was in Sunnyvale, CA at Rooster T. Feathers. It’s a well-know club in the Bay Area. They’ve seen their share of big names come through over the years.

The cool thing about this club is it used to be the site of Andy Capps in the 70s. For those of you who don’t know their Silicon Valley history. It’s where the first coin-operated arcade game was installed. It was a Pong machine by Atari. Their headquarters were around there somewhere. You can read more of this here if you’re so interested.

As for the show, it was pretty fun. It was the most polite and organized club I’ve ever been too. Thanks to Heather Barbieri and her staff. It was my third show and I’d say my confidence is improving. I’m still working on my performance and material.

Since I was in the heart of Silicon Valley, I thought I’d do some material on everyone’s favorite new toy, the group chat app Slack.

What is Slack?

It’s like email. But instead of getting one message. It’s like getting 50, 60, or 79 emails 1 sentence at a time.

It’s like being at the drive-thru with a carload of drunk autistic kids barding orders and questions at you all at once.

Here’s a clip of my performance. A quick note. The guy before me was on the batshit crazy side. He left the audience a little dumbstruck. So that’s what I’m talking about in the beginning.

Root Canal

Posted Posted in Stories

When someone wants you know how bad an experience is going to be, they like to compare it to a root canal. I’ve had two, and I’ll be having another really soon. I can safely say, there are way worse things to go through in life.

I hate telling the dentist how long it’s been since my last cleaning. I feel like a hillbilly because it’s always been more than 6 months. The dental hygienist, on the other hand, I’ll tell her anything. I feel like they’re the ones you can trust not to judge you. No matter what, they’ve always seen way way worse than whatever you’ve got. The dentist always acts like everything is a state of emergency.

[clickToTweet tweet=”I hate telling the dentist how long since my last visit. It always makes me feel like a hillbilly.” quote=”I hate telling the dentist how long it’s been since my last visit. No matter what, it’s too long and I’m going to sound like a hillbillly.” theme=”style5″]

I started having a nasty toothache yesterday and broke down and bought some of that shit they use for teething babies, Orajel. That product sounds like something that should be in the marital aides section. I bought that, and slathered it on my gums. Turns out, a little goes a long way, and all over your mouth. It’s a topic anesthetic, so everything was on the right side of my mouth was numb.

I got into the dentist today and found out, I was having some nasty ass decay going on under a crown. My dentist drilled into it and packed it up with some antibiotics and scheduled me for a root canal next week.

The happy ending I that I got a prescription for Vicodin.

Punchline Show September 6 2016

Posted Posted in Shows

Last night I did my second show ever. This time it at the Punchline, one of the two major comedy clubs in San Francisco. I was part of another #hellafunny showcase. There were 12 of us doing 5 minutes each. You can see from the line up sheet who was there.

I tried to take some pictures for posterity sake. I took one of Stroy, Bryant, and Phil (below). It turned out pretty crappy. They gave me shit when I wanted to do a retake with the flash. So I just touched it up a bit.

I got to see the green room. It’s about the size of a utility closet, with a couch and mini fridge. But it was still cool to know you were in the same room as a lot of the people I find funny.

One of the perks of performing is free drinks. I wish I had known earlier. I would have opted for more beers instead of club sodas.

San Francisco, the crossroads of technology and humanity. Where the world’s brightest minds harness artificial intelligence and predictive analytics to figure out where people have shit on the sidewalk in realtime.

Skip Everett, September 6, 2016

Punchline Line Up
#hellafunny line up in progress

[clickToTweet tweet=”I don’t believe Jesus was a carpenter. I think he was probably more of a handyman.” quote=”I don’t believe Jesus was a carpenter. If he were, they never would have crucified him. Do you know how hard it is to find a good carpenter.” theme=”style3″]

Hannibal Thompson
Hannibal Thompson
Phil Woods, Stroy Moyd, and Bryant Hicks
Phil Woods, Stroy Moyd, and Bryant Hicks
Punchline pre-show
Punchline pre-show
The Punchline San Francisco
The Punchline San Francisco

Hooper the Pooper

Posted Posted in Stories

I had a roommate in college I really, really coulldn’t stand. He wasn’t my first choice in roommates. My buddy Vince and I wanted to rent our friends’ 5-bedroom apartment. We had 3 other guys lined up and they bailed after Vince and I had fronted the deposit. We had to find replacements fast.

We found two guys from the track team. The other was Vince’s freshman roommate from the dorms, a guy named Hooper. Everyone got along for about a month. The two track guys laid on the couches all day and night watching TV. Hooper was annoying in every way possible. He was a mooch, a blowhard, and had a voice like a railroad spike in the temple. Plus he had the most annoying girlfriend that drove him to drink, a lot.

Don’t get me wrong, the drinking part didn’t bother me. I just hate bad drunks.

He came home wasted one night and got into a screaming match with his girlfriend. He passed out on the couch with the receiver in one hand and the base of the phone on his chest. I would have turned him on his side so he wouldn’t puke and choke to death in his sleep. But I figured we could use the extra bedroom.

The next morning I got up around 7. Hooper was gone, but his clothes were all over the living room. As I was stepping over his clothes, I noticed he had taken a crap in the middle of the room. I’ve been to the edge, but I’ve never been so drunk that I’ve done that. What an animal.

Fortunately, Hooper left his wallet in his jeans. I took six bucks and stuck his license in the pile just to mess with his mind, then went to class.

When I got home, everyone was there but Hooper. No one knew about Hooper’s mess. So I filled them in. The next day, Joe, one of the track guys, told me he talked to Hooper. He asked about Hooper’s night. The conversation went something like this…

Joe: Hey Hooper, how was the other night?
Hooper: Fine. I got a little drunk.
Joe: You didn’t do anything crazy?
Hooper: Nah. Just drunk.
Joe: You didn’t do something like…shit on the floor?

According to Joe, Hooper froze and didn’t say much. From that point forward Hooper and I never had much to say to each other. I’ll never know if he was too furious or embarrassed to talk to me after that, but I didn’t care. I got what I wanted out of it. Win-win.

New #hellafunny Show at The Punchline San Francisco

Posted Posted in Announcements

I have been invited to perform again with #hellafunny. This time we’ll be at the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco. This is a free show, so come and drink, and spend money to make it worth their while. I’ll be doing some new stuff as well. Also, this will be performance number 2 of my nascent career for anyone who is counting.

Read more about it here, or just go get your free tickets now at this link on EventBrite.