Thanksgiving

For many, today is a day of thanks for the rest of us its…

A day we’ll spend with family, wishing we could spend it with friends. 

Depending on the year, it’ll be a time to look back in history two weeks and gloat or sulk about the election results. 

Will listen to some white failure explain white exceptionalism is why there is no such thing as white privilege. 

The day we eat so much it hurts.

Football becomes a proxy war for every political topic you avoided at dinner. 

We’ll bitch about Black Friday while discussing the deals we’ve been seeing on television.

We’ll avoid eating lunch to save room for dinner, and then lose all self control and hate ourselves for it. 

We’ll try to say something sentimental and no one will be buying it.

We’ll make it look like we want to help with the dishes, if only someone wasn’t blocking the sink. 

We’ll let other people take the good leftovers because we’re not hungry, only to realize our big mistake tomorrow. 

Check the map

Hell on Earth, brought to you by the Liberals in California!

Ohio GOP Chair of Columbiana County, David Johnson

https://www.sacbee.com/news/nation-world/national/article221967115.html

Every time there’s a natural disaster, some conservative asshat makes the same tired remark that God is punishing some liberal bogeyman. This is especially rich coming from someone who lives in a hellhole like Eastern Ohio. 

Nobody, no matter what, deserved what happened in the Camp Fire that destroyed several towns in Butte County, California. However, if this guy were to look at a electoral map, he’d see that Trump won 48% of the vote there. So if God really were trying to punish liberals, he picked the wrong county. 

Olde Timey Radio

My dad drives a big ass truck. It’s a Ford 150 King Ranch edition. It’s way too luxurious to be a pickup truck. The interior has dark brown leather seats, heated AND cooled. We call it “The Steakhouse” because sitting in it feels like a booth in a restaurant.

Of the many gizmos in his truck, the one thing my dad loves the most is his satellite radio. He listens to the 30s channel on it because it plays those old radio shows with goofy names like “Fibber McGee.” He makes us all listen to them when he drives, because rules are rules, driver gets to pick. When I ask him if we can listen to something else, he just says, “this is theater of the mind.”

I know people like to wax nostalgic about those radio shows, but I’m sorry, I’m not buying it. When I hear those shows, I don’t the Lone Ranger riding the range. All I can picture are people in suits yakking into of big old microphones, holding scripts, while a guy bangs coconut shells on a table.

He laments the days before television, which for him at his age, was probably 3 weeks. He’s not THAT old. I love how people judge the radio age like it was so great. When I was a kid, my brother and I used to get harangued by my parents and grandparents about staring at the TV. But whenever you see old pictures of the days before TV, what did you see? The whole family, staring like a bunch of morons at a radio, and it didn’t even have a screen.

Gig Economy

I get the gig economy. I just don’t get why we think we need all these companies acting as middlemen when it seems like all the same people doing the gigs. Every Uber driver I have also drives for Lyft.

I was working from home because I was had someone from Task Rabbit painting my kitchen. He was doing a great job and I was working upstairs in my home office. I ordered lunch for both of us using DoorDash. I went downstairs when the food arrived and it was delivered by the guy who was painting my kitchen.

That wasn’t even the worse part about it. The two of us had Jack in the Box for lunch, and it cost $30.

Flying with Kids

I have an idea for a business. The market is specifically women who fly alone with their kids. For a small fee, a man between the ages of 25 and 40 will pretend to be your kids dad and take them from the car, all the way to your gate. Meanwhile, stroll through the airport at your own leisure, enjoy a cup of coffee, or just go to the bathroom in peace. You just show up minutes before boarding your flight.

I know it’ll be a success, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from flying with little kids is that men get treated like royalty and women get treated like shit.

When my kids were little and I flew alone with them, I was treated like father of the year. Complete strangers would commit acts of total selflessness.  I had a guy give up an entire row to himself so my kids and I could sit together.

TSA agents are the best. When going through security, it’s always, “Oh honey, you take all the time you need”, and “don’t worry about taking off your belt and shoes.”

On the plane, the staff couldn’t be any nicer. When my son was 18 months old, we took a red eye to Chicago. He was wide awake, and I was totally exhausted. The flight attendant said, “you get some rest, I’ll take care of this little guy.” Flying as a father is amazing!

When my wife flew alone with the kids, people didn’t even make eye contact. If someone had an empty row and saw her coming down the aisle, they’d put their laptop on one seat and shoes on the other, then look out the window until she passed.

If she asked for help in the security line, the TSA agents would say, “You should have thought of that when you had those kids.”

Pre-boarding was the worst. They’d let anyone in that line – people with giant stuffed animals, sixty-something triathletes with cartons of wine. But when she got in line with a toddler and a 6 year old, they would be sticklers for the rules. “Ma’am, your son is too old for this line. He can go in the regular line, but not this one.”

Village Theatre September 6, 2018

Last night I opened for Liz Grant’s 1st anniversary show at the Village Theatre in Danville, CA. I was on the bill with Liz Grant, Sam Meeker, Pippi Lovestocking, and Julia Jackson.
I did a 5 minute set, and shot it backstage with the phone. Hopefully, I’ll have a better clip from the front of the house that includes the rest of the performances. Stay tuned for that.

Jimmy Johns

I wasn’t feeling particularly picky and grabbed lunch at a Jimmy John’s. I’m not a huge fan of the food. I think the founder is an asshole, but it does make me nostalgic. One for the first Jimmy John’s ever was in Champaign, Illinois where I went to college over 20 years ago. Now it’s nationwide chain and I was in California looking for something quick to eat.

I ordered my usual, their Beach Club – turkey and avocado, and back in the day, sprouts. It’s just as fattening as their other sandwiches, but it feels healthier because it’s on thick, square-shaped wheat bread and not a long chewy sub roll.

When the guy handed me my order, the first thing I noticed it was sticking out of the bag. He made me a sub, and not a sandwich.

I told the guy, “this is supposed to be on wheat.”

He said, “you didn’t order wheat.”

“I don’t need to, it’s automatically comes on wheat”

“No it doesn’t.”

“I’ve been coming to Jimmy Johns  since I was in college and ordering the same thing.”

“Well I’ve been here 7 years, I should know!”

Fair enough, I thought. I will let him win this argument.

Family Tree

Most surnames are based on the careers or achievements of your ancestors. I get Baker, Miller, or Cook, but what if your last name is Pfister?

Kylie Jenner

Kylie Jenner was on the cover of Forbes magazine for being worth $800 million. They called her a self-made woman, which I find that hard to believe. But then I forget, her father Kaitlyn is one too.

Athleisure

When a woman wears athleisure she looks really hot
When A guy wears workout clothes, He looks like a leotard.

Allergies and honey

Someone told me the cure for my allergies was to go out and eat some local honey. It worked, but she gave me gonorrhea.