in Stories

Hooper the Pooper

I had a roommate in college I really, really coulldn’t stand. He wasn’t my first choice in roommates. My buddy Vince and I wanted to rent our friends’ 5-bedroom apartment. We had 3 other guys lined up and they bailed after Vince and I had fronted the deposit. We had to find replacements fast.

We found two guys from the track team. The other was Vince’s freshman roommate from the dorms, a guy named Hooper. Everyone got along for about a month. The two track guys laid on the couches all day and night watching TV. Hooper was annoying in every way possible. He was a mooch, a blowhard, and had a voice like a railroad spike in the temple. Plus he had the most annoying girlfriend that drove him to drink, a lot.

Don’t get me wrong, the drinking part didn’t bother me. I just hate bad drunks.

He came home wasted one night and got into a screaming match with his girlfriend. He passed out on the couch with the receiver in one hand and the base of the phone on his chest. I would have turned him on his side so he wouldn’t puke and choke to death in his sleep. But I figured we could use the extra bedroom.

The next morning I got up around 7. Hooper was gone, but his clothes were all over the living room. As I was stepping over his clothes, I noticed he had taken a crap in the middle of the room. I’ve been to the edge, but I’ve never been so drunk that I’ve done that. What an animal.

Fortunately, Hooper left his wallet in his jeans. I took six bucks and stuck his license in the pile just to mess with his mind, then went to class.

When I got home, everyone was there but Hooper. No one knew about Hooper’s mess. So I filled them in. The next day, Joe, one of the track guys, told me he talked to Hooper. He asked about Hooper’s night. The conversation went something like this…

Joe: Hey Hooper, how was the other night?
Hooper: Fine. I got a little drunk.
Joe: You didn’t do anything crazy?
Hooper: Nah. Just drunk.
Joe: You didn’t do something like…shit on the floor?

According to Joe, Hooper froze and didn’t say much. From that point forward Hooper and I never had much to say to each other. I’ll never know if he was too furious or embarrassed to talk to me after that, but I didn’t care. I got what I wanted out of it. Win-win.