I’ve been fed up with Comcast for a while, and today I did something about it. But I wanted to at least try the other behemoth before I pulled the plug.
I go online to order, and of course, there are millions different options, and none I want. If you really fast Internet, you always have to get like 4000 HD channels and 12 landlines. I know they’re not stupid. They realize someone with a huge pipe will just download everything they want.
But if you’re like me, you just need some basic channels and something good enough to work from home, you’re shit out of luck.
And here, I thought ordering online would be lightyears ahead of calling on the phone. It was actually worse. Nothing like losing an hour of your life to an aggressive chatbot upsell.
As soon as I started clicking on stuff, up comes the little chat window.
“Good afternoon, my name is Alex, and what can I help you with?”
I never know if it’s a real person, so I always answer just in case.
“I’m good. I can handle it from here.”
I love how “help” is really just another word for getting you to spend more money.
“I noticed you ordered the basic package. Did you know you can get the super bundle for just $4 dollars a month more?”
Never mind that it’ll $200 more two months after I sign up.
“Yes, but I don’t need all those channels.”
I love how they can’t fathom not being totally into TV.
“There are a lot of great kid channels. Disney, Noggin, Nickelodeon, Sprout?”
Now I’m sucked in and I can’t believe I’m answering him instead of just placing my order.
“My kids watch YouTube”.
Then this tired old saw…
“But the educational channels? TLC, NatGeo, Discovery, The History Channel?”
It’s okay, I already know everything I need to know about sharks and nazis.
At this point, I’m ready to kill the deal. My God, if you said “yes” to even half the options you’d be paying like $1200 a month for cable.
“Do you like sports? There’s the NFL package, the MLB package. ESPN 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. No that’s okay. I’ll catch the games on network TV.”
I finally figured I need to give Alex an answer he isn’t programmed, or trained, to answer…
“I’m a blind amputee. I can’t change the channels.”
Just finish this god damn order!
“Okay. If there’s anything else I can help you with, have a great day!”
So now, it’s time for the next stage, waiting for the installer to show up tomorrow between the equinox and summer solstice.